So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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