I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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