If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
