I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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