Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
