i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
