I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm passing your future prison.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Floor bacon is actually really good
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
