Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
