there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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