see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
