and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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