ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Houston, we have a blender
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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