Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
