barbara walters just said penis...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
