i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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