I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i already hear my dad disowning me
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
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