Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
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Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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