I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Randomize
