So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also, beer. Big fan.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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