it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
