I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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