i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
zippers are such a cool invention
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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