mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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