All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
