Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
