So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
