call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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