i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
