i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
