Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
