I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
