Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
