what day is it and did you see me today?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
