I hate all girls vehemently.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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