Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
