There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
