I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
