Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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