I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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