Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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