If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
