You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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