How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
