If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
