I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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