Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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