if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
