would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
