I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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