I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
