So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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