Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
