Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
