can u get pink eye on your cock?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
