Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
dude. I can hear the air.
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