i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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