Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Randomize
