I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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